Monthly Archives: August 2013

Slowly going mad while the world around me does the same…

 

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Last night I had another bad dream so today I have decided to take a walk in a local park to ease my mind.

I take a seat on an empty park bench and rest my body.

The breeze is welcoming to me today as I sit back quietly and try to pay mind to the world surrounding me.

As I feel it gently brush across my face I close my eyes and take a deep breath of it in.

I allow it to linger in my lungs a moment before its bittersweet release.

Exhaling, I open my eyes again and relax my body.

I have so much torment in my heart right now that moments like this one are a welcome break from my mind.

As I sit and try to let go of my troubles and worries I cant help but fear the struggles within reflect on my face.

Wanting to blend in to my surroundings I work hard at stepping out of my thoughts.

I slowly close up figurative box after figurative box deep within.

After closing the last lid I shut my eyes and look to my senses for guidance.

It is not long before I melt into the world surrounding me and focus in on it.

I can hear the familiar sounds of life all around me.

Crickets and birds in deep conversations about whatever hot topic that sparks their interest are to my right and above.

While to my left I hear the soft giggles of children while their Mom’s try for a moment to have some deep adult conversation.

I watch the two woman for a moment and listen in as one mother conveys to another a tale of a recent trip to the doctor and how she fears her child will need further testing for a serious sudden illness.

With a look of empathy, the other mother purses her lips and scrunches her brow in worry.

Finding herself without words, she simply nods her head and chooses to keep her own thoughts to herself.

All she can seem to whisper is “It will all be ok”.

As she quickly looks away and over to her own child, I can tell she struggles within herself for giving out possible false hope as well as the very real fear that it could have been one of hers.

Unbeknownst to their children that one of their lives is in question, they run around and play without the concern for time or how much of it they have to enjoy the freedom of this summer day.

I am saddened by the idea that any child could be living on borrowed time.

Much like the humbled friend, I say a small prayer that it really will be ok for both Mother and Child.

I fall into a trance doing this before I notice movement and see a woman and a elderly man walking toward me.

The man is struggling to take each step while the woman gently guides him via one arm under his and the other softly placed on the same arm.

As they pass I hear the man give protest to her help saying he should be the one leading her.

She simply smiles and says “At some point we all need an arm to guide us. Even if we have always been the guide.”

When they pass they both pause their train of thought long enough to smile and give me a friendly nod.

I return their friendly gesture with a nod and smile as I find the scenario before me familiar.

It reminds me of how not so long ago I too helped my poor Father to walk around while he protested to his need to care for me first.

…I would give anything to be walking beside him right now if I could.

As if the woman has read my thoughts she glances back to give me another smile.

But this one is different.

Its one of knowing and understanding.

I almost can’t make eye contact when I think of how much pain her heart will go through one day when he is gone…

And how one day she will realize that even when she was leading him, he was still leading her too.

I sit for a long time with the images of both my children and my Father in my mind.

It’s funny how total strangers can remind me that my problems are little compared to what others face.

The two interactions I just had at the park bring a random thought to my mind.

As I sit and suffer, so does the rest of the world in their own way.

Each and every person faces a trial or tribulation at some point within the day and that makes me just a small part of this very big world.

It’s a very equalizing and humbling thought.

I choose to ponder it a bit longer as I sit in silence with the wind still brushing my face.

As I do this and try to find purpose in my path for the day I leave you with this song.

I feel it is very suiting to my mood and the events of my day.

Enjoy dear readers because there are few moments in this world that a sane person can get away with admitting to being mad.

Even in a mad world like the one we all live in today.

 

 

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Open letter to any man who seeks my heart

To the man who seeks my heart,

It is in this moment you have decided that you want to take the next step and open your heart up to me.

Know that by doing this I will be doing the same.

When I love you I give every bit of my being to that person.

Body.

Mind.

Soul.

For this reason, I ask that you do not take lightly to it because once I know what you feel about me I will devote every bit of my being to you.

I will work very hard at making you happy, sometime for going any of my own basic needs to do so.

Because of this sacrifice I will make I ask you to read carefully to the small list of things below before you do it.

If you have any doubts after, PLEASE reconsider…

I am my own worst enemy…

I spend great amounts of time angry at my self for even the most common of mistakes.

When I do something it may come out great but to me I can pin point thousands of reasons why I must improve it.

I will then spend too much time beating myself up over it inside my head and become sad.

When I do this you have two options.

One is to argue with me that I am wrong and that it is just fine. Most likely resulting in me assuming you are just being bias or kind.

or

Two is to smile and just remind me that I should not be so hard on myself because I look better without the scowl on my fore head.

…I prefer the latter.

 

A small gift with meaning or from your heart is invaluable to me…

Everything I own has a very deep seeded sentimental value to me.

Every book.

Every photo.

Every little trinket was gifted to me by someone I hold dear to me.

If you choose to give me anything, make sure its something meaningful.

Even a dried flower that you have held on to since our first date would mean more to me than any expensive bouquet of flowers…

But if you do buy flowers know white roses are my favorite.

 

I really don’t care what others think about my looks but…

My size, hair, clothes and looks only bother me because sometimes what I see in the mirror is not what you and others see.

To you I am just me.

Sometimes the mirror tells me I am less than worthy.

So do my a favor and don’t over use the words “Beautiful” or “pretty” too often.

Much like the word “Love” they should only be used in the moments that you really feel those things.

That is what makes them special and that is how I will know you mean what you say.

 

I was brought up in a world where “Personal space” was sacred…

I avoid human contact because I have been taught that it is special to only that one person I give my heart.

It does not happen often but if we are in public and I gently reach over and squeeze your hand and give you a smile…

Know that I am pushing a boundary within myself and know its the ultimate sign of affection from me.

Appreciate it and return the gesture to let me know you feel the same.

 

I am stubborn. Sometimes to a fault and I don’t think I can change that…

So much so that I will try to do things that are so far out of my limits only because I have been told I can’t or because I am trying hard to make someone I love happy.

In those moments you have two choices…

One to sit back and let me screw up or…

Reach over, place your hand on my arm and remind me that I am important to you.

Tell me that by hurting myself I am hurting you.

If you do, I will stop.

 

Sometimes I just simply need to be reminded that I too have a value…

I tend to always assume that I am the one who should always be grateful for the things and people in my life.

Take the time to remind me that I am worth as much to you.

Revert back to the dried flower if you are not sure how to do that.

 

Sometimes I just need to get away…

I have this fear of being trapped in one place.

Why? I don’t really know.

So sometimes I will just grab my keys and say “Wanna go for a ride?”

You don’t have to go but know that I HAVE TO when that happens.

Usually I just drive out to a point and then drive back.

It’s just one of my quarks.

Please be understanding of this.

 

Sometimes I just need to be alone…

The mood usually strikes me randomly.

I can spend hours of being quiet and just sitting outside listening to the soft wind and thinking.

It does not always mean I am upset with you.

Sometimes, I just need stillness to reflect.

If this happens you are more than welcome to sit beside me.

As a matter of fact, please do because chances are that at some point I will need someone to talk to about what was on my mind.

 

On the other side of my silence…

If I am being very quiet and will not make eye contact with you something is wrong.

Even if I say it is not.

I know you are not a mind reader and I do not expect you to be.

But know that if I am without words it’s because my heart and head are at battle.

Tread lightly and just give me a hug.

 

On the other side of that…

Sometimes just a long deep hug is all I need from you.

No words.

Just my head on your chest and the sound of your breath is all I need to know everything is ok.

 

I will remain faithful to you…

No matter what.

It takes a lot of work and time for me to knock down walls to reach that levels of comfort that I hope to have with you.

Doing that is a gift to the one I love.

I ask you give me the same gift back.

If you are not happy then tell me.

I would rather you be honest then to have to put all those walls back up, plus one…

 

The words “I love you” to me are powerful…

If you find yourself saying them to me in your mind be ABSOLUTLY SURE of it before they leave your lips!

I will never forget that moment and do not want it to become a source of question and pain later on.

 

Make half the effort all the time…

I told you in the beginning of this post that I will work hard once you give me your heart.

And I will never stop.

Not for a second.

Make sure you work just as hard.

If I have to walk 20 miles to see you, please walk 10 of it.

Otherwise, at some point as I am walking I will wonder why I am the one who always has to go to you.

Relationships take two people walking, not just one.

Otherwise you will find me walking away at some point.

 

I want the fairly tale but sometimes I like to do the saving too…

Yes I like when someone fights for me but PLEASE! When you are having a hard time, let me fight for you too.

There is no greater sign of affection than someone who saves the one they love.

Plus protecting the one you love is just as cool in heels as it is in work boots.

 

Once you make this step I am yours forever…

know that once I have given you my heart that I have given you all of me.

That means the good and the bad.

If I have done this it means I trust you and I do not trust many.

Be honored that I have given you that chance and please respect it.

Many man before you have taken my heart and abused it.

I know  you are not every man but the moment you mimic any of their behaviors I will be waiting in the back of my mind for you to prove otherwise.

When you don’t, that pain will never go away.

So please take the time to try.

For me.

I promise you it will be worth it.

I will be worth it.

Because everything I ask of you I will automatically do in return and then some.

 

xo

 

 

 

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Focus…

 

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Today I found myself too close to rock bottom again.

I allowed the world to talk me into feeling some sort of way about myself again.

This has been the story of my life for weeks now.

And I’ve had enough!

As I sat and looked over the mess I had made myself it occurred to me that I was focusing in on only a very small part of my issue.

I needed to get a grip on the bigger picture.

The bigger picture being me first.

Weak and ready to give up I decided it was time to go into survival mode.

I need to get myself back in order before I can deal with what my heart is feeling.

At one point, not so long ago I found focus by doing that.

I need to get back to that place before I end up ripping up more boxes and causing a bigger mess.

But I am tired and did not know where I would find the strength to do this.

I spent a lot of time trying to will myself to just get up off that ground.

How could I focus on me when I could not even find the drive to get off the ground?

I wanted to start crying again but then for the first time in a very long time I heard the girl speak to me.

Her words were simple but firm.

 

Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself, suck it up and FOCUS!

 

I heard her and knew she was right but I had no clue where to begin.

Then I looked in front of me again and saw the mess.

The anger caused this.

It’s amazing how strong one can be when they feel such a deep pain.

… that’s when it hit me.

I needed to use the pain to push me through.

I needed to take all that anger, pain and hurt and put it to positive use.

I closed my eyes and tried hard to focus on what I needed to do next.

I let the visions that haunted me in my mind drive me to do what I needed to do.

When I opened my eyes, I knew what was next.

I needed to just focus on me.

I needed to get me back to the place where I was in control of my life.

After a couple of moments of letting the pain fill me I felt strangely renewed and awakened.

I let it seep in enough to push me out of my funk and then I finally got off the ground.

My first step was to make a list.

A short list intentionally to keep focus.

With the list completed I head off to bed.

Tomorrow is a long day for me but in the end I know if I can cross off all five things I will be back on track with my life.

My hope is, once that happens the rest will just fall into place.

Here is a little motivation for anyone who is trying to focus.

Or maybe you need it just to get out of bed tomorrow.

Either way, don’t give up.

Like the girl said, sometimes you just need to suck it up and focus.

Give it all you got if it is something you want and never stop till you get it.

And I plan on doing just that…

Till I collapse.

 

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Whispers become tears falling on an empty box

I find myself in a terrible mood today.

Frustrated and bitter at a situation I feel ive been reeled into, I find myself in a state of anger.

The day did not start off that way.

At first I woke up confused and sad that things have not gone my way.

Sick of always feeling like I am at fault or need to work that much harder has worn me down.

I’m tired of that game in my mind and need to get to the bottom of what is in my head.

I decided some serious down time with my thoughts was needed.

That was my first mistake.

As I set down my phone that lately has become a major organ I started to sort my thoughts out logically.

Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart I try not to do this as I find some rules just dont apply when you feel something so deeply.

But I did and the end result was disastrous.

When you take the basic known facts about a situation and add some basic reasoning you can easily come to a fine conclusion.

With that formula in mind, my conclusion was as follows.

Stop being ignorant.

It was all just a careless whisper.

This thought now stuck in my head would normally put me to tears but for whatever reason, today it has made me angry.

It made me so angry that I went into my house and grabbed a box full of things I had been saving and tore it apart.

The very same box that gave me the idea for the story about the attic.

I ripped up notes, pictures, a couple random items I had saved to give this person.

I destroyed it all.

My logic being that not a single thing in it was from them anyway.

It was just a pathetic attempt my heart made to justify itself.

After I was done I just looked down at the ground at the broken pieces and thought to myself “yet another mess to be cleaned…”

If thats not poetic justice then I dont know what is…

Today I am angry but one good thing came of this.

I realized that hanging on to false hope is pointless.

It takes more than words to fix something when you break it.

You have to put in effort with your actions, not just with your voice.

When someone gives you their heart you have a responsibility to it.

For that reason you should never EVER say something you dont mean to someone who loves you…

Otherwise it just becomes a careless whisper.

As I sit here on the ground and look at the mess before me the reality of it all is starting to sink in.

I’m heartbroken that I find myself in this place again.

yet the only solution I can come up with is to pull away.

… I dont even know if thats the right choice anymore.

My head says yes but my heart is begging me to stay….

I just dont know what to do other than sit here in silence alone and think it out.

While I go onto a deep state of consideration I leave you with this song and hope that none of you have ever felt the way I do now.

I feel lied to

Cheated

Hopeless

Used and worst of all

Unloved.

As I write those words the tears begin to fall.

…..Words are a powerful thing dear readers.

Be mindful to the fact that with them you can break hearts and scar souls.

Even if you use a whisper….

 

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The power behind rage kept within…

 

Tonight my dear readers my blog is a short one.

Partly because yesterdays nightmare has not allowed me to sleep in 24 hours.

but mainly for the reason that what I have to say cannot be said.

Again, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.

So instead I have chosen to leave you with a good song that has helped me get through the problem I have had today.

Maybe it will help you too.

xo

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The nightmare about the room of brick walls…

 

755030979_6c40cd17a1As I write to you I sit and watch the sun set over the hills and slowly become a prisoner of my own thoughts.

The song below has come on the radio.

It has left me in tears and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I have never felt the need to be held like I do right now.

I am over come with heartache for one person and never having felt this way before I am sad and scared.

Yet I would give anything for them to be here with me now to take that all away.

Only moments before I dozed off in a sad attempt to ease my troubled mind from the issues of my day.

I really wish I hadn’t.

But I did and I had another bad dream.

 

I am alone in a room of brick and cannot escape.

There are no doors. 

No windows.

A little if any light.

Surveying the situation I face the fact that I am trapped and alone.

As I start to let the reality of the situation sink in I hear a voice on the other side of the brick.

They are frantically calling my name and by the tone in their voice I can tell they are equally affraid.

Not being able to see me they call out in desperation till I finally follow the voice to one wall in particular.

I yell back their name several times till I can tell they have followed my voice to just the other side of the brick.

When they hear my voice is so close,  I can hear the relief in theirs.

For a brief second I place my hand flat against the brick and pretend they are doing the same.

Little do they know how dark and scary it is for me in this room.

I feel unsafe and being to beg them to get me out.

Hearing the worry in their voice as they answer my cries makes my heart hurt.

I feel terrible for putting them through this but I don’t trust anyone else.

They are my only hope.

With them I feel safe and whole.

They are my everything.

All I want is for them to hold me and save me from this isolation.

I can hear them pound hard on the brick with what I assume is a large object but only tiny pieces come crumbling down.

It’s going to take much more force for them to get through. 

The pounding stops and I know they realize this too.

All they can do is tell me to hold on while they figure out how to get me out.

As their voice starts to soften from distance I hear scary noises from behind.

I start to pound on the wall hard with my clenched fist.

I call out to them.

Pleading through the tears to not leave.

They promise to be right back.

I continue to call out but after a short time they stop responding…

Yet I still pound on the wall till I lose my strength and I start to sink to the floor.

Still calling their name till the tears take away my ability to speak.

Finally my body hits the floor and I am left to trust they will keep their word.

All I want is to feel them embrace me.

To tell me everything will be ok.

My dream ends with me laying against the cold brick waiting to be saved.

I woke from this horrible flash of a night mare and have not stopped crying since.

It was so realistic and I would almost bet this dream was just as scary as the one about the girl.

Maybe even scarier.

Made so by the fact that just before I closed my eyes I felt like I had let the very same person down in real life.

How can I expect them to keep their word when I let them down myself?

My mind drifts back and forth between this thought and the dream.

That haunting sadness in both our voices was heart breaking to remember.

I pray I never have to hear that level of desperation from them in real life.

I shake my head in an attempt to clear my mind of this pain.

As I do I head outside to the bright warmth of the sun to help me calm down.

The sky looks so beautiful tonight as the sun slowly exits my view.

I try to turn my thoughts to my surroundings to get my mind off the visions and voices from my dream.

As I sit and think about how much I really need a hug I leave you with this song.

I find it amazing that this song, the dream and my real life struggles all seem to be intertwined tonight.

The universe has a funny way of doing that.

And just so you know I got the message loud and clear.

I am pretty sure someone is trying to telling me to trust in my heart.

Because that voice on the other side of the wall is the very person who owns it.

And I know that this can all be fixed if I just trust in their word.

 

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Fear without reason

I spent a good part of my day today thinking about what I wrote yesterday and who I wrote it about.

I told you he was the main thing on my mind and he still is.

We finally talked and I was greatful to do so but I noticed something tonight.

I’m scared and timid.

I wish I could get into all the reasons why but some of them dont even make sense to me.

Some of them I am still trying to face myself

All I can say is, I find myself drawn to him.

I dream of his embrace.

I dream of his voice.

I dream of us lost in a moment…

Yet I find myself for the first time in a long LONG time fearful of how to proceed.

…plus I have never felt this way with him before and I’m just as scared to tell him about it.

I know most of you do not know me personally but I’m a tough person.

I can take enormous amounts of pain and stress without batting an eyelash…

I can say without reservation that I fear nothing.

But due to some events that happened after he left plus the fear of him leaving again I am scared.

I do not open up to people like I have him.

With him I have been myself.

But this fear is forcing me to hide some of it and that hurts.

Especially when he is putting himself out there for me.

We are both fighting hard to over come fear to make this work.

Yet not telling him may cause more damage.

What do I do?

How do I get over this so I can help him to cope with the struggles he has in his own mind?

..and why in Gods name am I so scared of someone I love so much?

I just dont get it.

I just hope next time we meet that seeing him will make this all go away.

Till then I guess I will have to keep this in a box in the attic till I do.

…And I have no song to go with it either so tonight its just me and my fear without reason.

I only hope its nothing more than that.

Mc

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