Tag Archives: anger

Walk the walk after you talk the talk….

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I think it’s important dear readers to be honest with yourself and admit to your faults.
A dose of humbleness is worth its weight in gold if you ask me.
But sometimes we forget that once we admit to them, we should work at fixing them to better ourselves.
I find more often than not people admit to faults but then use them as excuses for their actions.
Yet I wonder if they realize that by not correcting their behavior it makes them more to blame for the issues it causes.

Not to mention it also makes them look selfish.
To prove my point, let me pose a “for instance”…
I shall use myself as an example as not to offend anyone I have a close relationship with.
I’ve had a hard life and for the record I feel that the five words I just typed do it no justice.
I’ve literally seen the good and evil this world has and I am very proud to say I stand here a better person for it.
However, one does not suffer such a fate without picking up a bad habit or two.
Myself included.
One small example being my avoidance of confrontation.
My brain had been trained to go into a certain mode when faced with confrontation.
Either I run away or I stand their and take it but I never voice my own opinion or concern.
Even when my side is clearly the more rational and reasonable side I will just stand their and shut up.
Why?
Because in the past when I have spoken up, my opinion was always wrong (so I was told anyway) and I would suffer great consequences.
I realize that this is a terrible personality trait and it’s something I need to fix.
Yet, I find myself still reverting back to that behavior…
Especially when it’s a debate with someone I hold dear to me.
Be it fear of them being offended by my boldness or maybe it’s the years of conditioning have lead me to think I am not allowed to have an opinion… Who knows?
So now that I realize I have an issue, I should work at changing it, right?
I should but I don’t.
Instead I have found myself actually saying “I don’t know what to say because I’m scared to say it because past president dictates I can’t….”
In plain English, it’s one big cop-out because I am scared to stand up for myself.
I know in my head that I have the god given right to difference of opinion.
I know that if done in a normal tone of voice and with reason two people can debate an issue and either agree or agree to disagree.
Yet it’s easier for me to stand with my jaw clenched and just allow others to tell me “how it is”.
…even when I know better.
This is my fault I confess to you today and in the same breath I am vowing publicly to work hard at changing it.
I know who I am inside and I should not change my views and suffer just because a handful of people could not take a difference in opinion.
Today dear readers, make this your goal.
Figure out what bad habit or trait you carry and make an honest effort to change it.
No more pointing fingers for your own faults!
Like the saying says….

If the common factor is always you, then YOUR the problem.

Not everyone else.

xo

 

http://youtu.be/krSNPhsnJEw

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Focus…

 

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Today I found myself too close to rock bottom again.

I allowed the world to talk me into feeling some sort of way about myself again.

This has been the story of my life for weeks now.

And I’ve had enough!

As I sat and looked over the mess I had made myself it occurred to me that I was focusing in on only a very small part of my issue.

I needed to get a grip on the bigger picture.

The bigger picture being me first.

Weak and ready to give up I decided it was time to go into survival mode.

I need to get myself back in order before I can deal with what my heart is feeling.

At one point, not so long ago I found focus by doing that.

I need to get back to that place before I end up ripping up more boxes and causing a bigger mess.

But I am tired and did not know where I would find the strength to do this.

I spent a lot of time trying to will myself to just get up off that ground.

How could I focus on me when I could not even find the drive to get off the ground?

I wanted to start crying again but then for the first time in a very long time I heard the girl speak to me.

Her words were simple but firm.

 

Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself, suck it up and FOCUS!

 

I heard her and knew she was right but I had no clue where to begin.

Then I looked in front of me again and saw the mess.

The anger caused this.

It’s amazing how strong one can be when they feel such a deep pain.

… that’s when it hit me.

I needed to use the pain to push me through.

I needed to take all that anger, pain and hurt and put it to positive use.

I closed my eyes and tried hard to focus on what I needed to do next.

I let the visions that haunted me in my mind drive me to do what I needed to do.

When I opened my eyes, I knew what was next.

I needed to just focus on me.

I needed to get me back to the place where I was in control of my life.

After a couple of moments of letting the pain fill me I felt strangely renewed and awakened.

I let it seep in enough to push me out of my funk and then I finally got off the ground.

My first step was to make a list.

A short list intentionally to keep focus.

With the list completed I head off to bed.

Tomorrow is a long day for me but in the end I know if I can cross off all five things I will be back on track with my life.

My hope is, once that happens the rest will just fall into place.

Here is a little motivation for anyone who is trying to focus.

Or maybe you need it just to get out of bed tomorrow.

Either way, don’t give up.

Like the girl said, sometimes you just need to suck it up and focus.

Give it all you got if it is something you want and never stop till you get it.

And I plan on doing just that…

Till I collapse.

 

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The power behind rage kept within…

 

Tonight my dear readers my blog is a short one.

Partly because yesterdays nightmare has not allowed me to sleep in 24 hours.

but mainly for the reason that what I have to say cannot be said.

Again, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.

So instead I have chosen to leave you with a good song that has helped me get through the problem I have had today.

Maybe it will help you too.

xo

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The downward spiral facing red.

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Dear readers, I made a terrible mistake tonight.

I let my guard down for two seconds.

For the past 24 hours I have been on a high of sorts.

I was happy and doing well with my journey forward to change.

…But tonight, I am sorry to say I let someone try to take it all away.

All because I said “No”.

All because I did not cower down and allow them to run my life.

All because I refuse to lie when asked a simple question.

My reward for such bravery was 20 minutes of red.

The good news is I have learned to love and care about myself to know that the events I just endured are not right.

I deserve better.

I deserve respect.

I deserve to live my life the way I want to live it.

I wont allow others to dictate my happiness.

I am the only one who can make the choice between being strong and drowning in the red.

I choose to be strong and face this, head held high.

You can only poke the bear so many times before it fights back.

I wont have this!

I CANT HAVE THIS!

I have come too far and worked too hard to have one person try to take it all way.

Tonight I face the ultimate test of my new-found love for myself and I am not going to back down.

Today, I fight back….

And if need be, go down swinging.

…Because sometimes the red does filter through.

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