Tag Archives: friendship

At some point, it all makes sense.

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Tonight dear readers I have only but one small bit of advice to share.

I am sure that most of you already know and understand what I am about to say but after recent events in my life I feel it warrants repeating.

No matter how hard you plan and/or dream your life to be, it will always end up going a way you least expect it too.

…. and this is not always a bad thing.

Many times over the past couple years I have sat and wondered why so many bad things have happened in my life and why I have been forced to face them.

A small example is the pain and rejection in my dating life that left me wondering what the point of it all was.

So many sad nights alone wondering if I would ever be worth the effort to just one person.

Finally, after so many tears and lies I was ready to give up.

…. but then out of no place, he came into my life.

And now it’s all clear.

I had to go threw all those struggles and trials to make what I have now work.

I had to suffer and be stripped of my foolish pride to see that being the real me was all it took to find love.

….I had to go on this journey to love myself before someone else could love me unconditionally.

And I am forever grateful that I stuck it out to get to here.

I still have much more of my journey left to travel but now with someone who supports me at my side I start back off on my path with my head held high,

Just when I was about to give up, fate brought me strength and purpose to get threw.

And I will never be able to thank him enough.

Tonight, I post this with hope that anyone who is struggling or feels like nothing makes sense reads my words and knows this…

At some point, it will all make sense and be worth every second of struggle and pain.

I promise you this!

And I am a woman of my word dear readers.

I do not make promises I cannot keep.

Even if you feel like you have nothing left to carry on with KNOW that at some point it will all be worth it if you just keep hanging on.

And all the while know that I will have your back since you have been kind enough to have mine.

We got this guys!

Just hold on for a bit longer and know that some one out there understands your struggles and pain.

While you do that I plan on saying a silent prayer of thanks for all that I have been blessed with.

But most of all, I will be saying one in hopes that all of you will know unconditional love as I have finally found.

xo

 

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Thats when I knew I loved you…

 

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I think in life we take words for granted.

I mean, how many times have we heard the words “I’m sorry” from someone but knew that their only empathy was that they made you feel wronged.

Not that they truly felt remorseful for their actions.

If I had to pick the most over used phrase it would be, hands down “I love you”.

Said so frequently, it looses its meaning and simply becomes an obligatory phrase.

Growing up I can count on one hand how many times this was said to me.

With fingers to spare.

But not once did I feel unloved.

My Father said it to me twice my whole life yet I have yet to know anyone who loved me more than him.

From him taking a moment to pick on me to tickling the back of my neck as he passed I just knew his love was unconditional.

He took time with me, made sure I was safe when I was scared and always made sure I knew he was just a call away.

Only one other person has ever come close to making me feel so safe.

The one thing that gets to me is when people think the words are enough.

They are never enough and that’s my point.

To show someone you truly love them you have to work at it.

 

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You have to give of yourself, forgive often and know that sometimes a loving gesture such as holding someones hand is all it takes.

And for those of you wondering how you will know if your really in love with someone?

When you find yourself willing to give up your pride and what ever it takes to make the other person happy, even if it cost you your own happiness….

Then you will know.

When you can work through the hard times and still laugh because of them…

Then you will know.

When you feel like nothing feels right when they are not around…

Then you will know.

When all it takes is the sound of their voice to make you happy in return…

Then you will know.

Dear readers, if you are so blessed to be in love or love someone go to them today and show it.

Put in the effort and take time out of your life to just let them know they are your universe.

And if the two of you have fallen on troubled times, just let all of it go and make sure they know that no matter what is said that your love for them is real.

We live on borrowed time my friends and not a second of that should be wasted on pride or foolish misunderstandings.

In the end, it’s all just words.

Show them your love is boundless…

I know that’s what I plan to do today.

It’s what I look forward to doing every day.

Is just letting those I love know they mean everything to me and I love them from the bottom of my heart.

Even when I don’t say a word.

Xo

 

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The truth about the empty trunk…

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Dear readers, I promised you the truth.

I told you that part of my journey was to be honest with myself as well as others.

Today I have to confess that I have not been fully truthful with you.

I ask for your forgiveness as well as your ear as I say what I have to say.

I only pray the person I speak of does not read this…

Although if I claim to know anything about them then I know at some point their will.

Regardless, I need to talk about this because my heart hurts so bad keeping it locked inside.

Plus being honest with him is all I got left.

I am in love and have been for a very long time.

The man I am in love with told me only days ago that he finally realized he too is just as in love with me as I am him.

…It has been almost four days since he said that and three since the last time I talked to him.

Right now, my heart hurts so bad that I cannot focus a single thought on anything but him.

I keep re winding all the conversations between us in my head over and over.

He told me that the reason he pushed me away was because he was confused.

He told me that saying “I love you” was very hard for him to do.

…He told me the next time he saw me he was going to give me a hug and never let go…

Three days later, I look down and see “No new calls/text” on my phone and I wonder if this was all a lie.

I had known this man for a long time when one day I finally could not handle the lonely nights of waiting for him to make time for me.

All I wanted was to be a priority to him.

To be his something special.

I put so much effort and time into make it work but it seemed the more I tried, the further he pushed away.

At risk of making a further fool of myself I stopped and took a long look at what was really going on.

To me, it looked like he just did not care for me the way I did for him.

Left with no other options, I told him I was moving on.

I secretly hoped he would finally snap out of it and tell me to stay.

Instead he told me to go.

For weeks I cried over this man.

I gave him my heart fully and he just threw it on the ground and walked away.

but that was not the worst part.

To this day I am still deeply in love with him.

He is the first thought on my mind when I wake up and the last when I close my eyes.

When he contacted me again I did my best to stay strong and put up a wall.

Not wanting to feel the pain I had started to repress from him walking away.

But after hearing his sweet voice, I caved.

I caved even further when I heard the conviction in his voice when he told me that he was never going to let me go and that he was sorry for walking away.

All I ever wanted from him was his love and embrace.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The idea that he finally was ready to give it to me made me the happiest woman alive.

When he said he was going to make some changes to his life and told me just to be patient I was more than happy to oblige.

I would do anything for this man.

He was more than just someone I loved.

He was my heart

My best friend

The other half of my soul.

But now, days later and a couple unreturned text…

…the doubt is starting to seep in again.

I trust what he said to me but his silence stings like a thousand knives into my heart.

How can you tell someone all that and then ignore them?

Was it all just a line to reel me back in or am I right in thinking his words were true and from his heart?

I am so confused right now I can’t focus on anything other than him.

I try to but it’s so hard not to be scared right now when so much is at stake.

So here I am, sitting and waiting.

Praying and crying that he will realize just what he means to me.

And so, there you have it.

He is the reason for the empty trunk in my story.

I had planned on writing him into it but then he left.

That is a pain I am starting to relive and I don’t want to.

But I have done all I can on my end.

At this point, it is all up to him.

I have offered everything short of my last breath for a moment with him.

I would give that too if I could just feel his arms around me one more time.

I love this man.

I realized that when I was talking to my ex yesterday and told him about the situation.

He told me that he could tell just by my eyes that it was true.

He even stuck up for him telling me to just give it time.

He told me to just wait it out.

“He probably is scared and just need time…”

I realize this and I want to give it to him but at risk of sounding selfish, I wonder if this is just his way of keeping me from walking away…

Typing that though literally sent a shot of pain into my heart like you have never known.

The more you love, the more the silence hurts.

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today.

And this is the only song I can come up with to go along with this post.

The day he told me he loved me this was playing on the radio…

I imagine a greater force than I can understand did that.

And it is for that very reason I sit in front of the empty trunk in my mind and pray that the wait will be worth it in the end…

Yet my hand rest on the lid just in case.

Praying that this will all be over soon and he will see that he is my reason as much as I want to be his.

Readers, if you are lucky enough to be loved by someone as I love this man do me a favor and go tell them today.

Let them know that their love for you is not a second thought and that you appreciate everything they are to you.

Don’t make them sit in wait alone for a fleeting moment as I am in the attic.

Silence can be the most painful answer you can give someone.

Like the trunk, it can make you feel empty and unloved.

Let them know that they are your reason.

By doing that, it makes my pain a bit easer to bear knowing my suffering is not totally in vain.

And to that man who I so willingly suffer for, should he ever read this.

I am here and I am willing to wait but please don’t make me sit too long.

I don’t care about what happened before, all I want is just you.

I want the fun-loving man who knows how to shut me up.

I want the best friend who knows how to make me smile when I need it.

I want us. What ever way that needs to be.

What I don’t want is to sit here filling my head with ideas so you need to talk to me.

I love you.

Please don’t make it so hard for me to.

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The Ex’s like the remix and damn it! I do too!

 

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Thursday night I got a lot of flax for the fact that I was going to the NKOTB (New kids on the block) concert  here in Albany NY.

Even more for the fact that after all these years I still love their music.

Mostly from the males in my life…

Not that it should be of any surprise to you ladies to here that.

As a matter of fact, the whole “seeing red” episode of my life sprung from the fact that I did go out for a night to see them instead of sitting at home waiting for a text that would have never came anyway.

See this goes deeper than just me wanting a night out with a great friend.

As a young girl I never got to see them live and I was really looking forward to it.

I just wanted to have a chance to live out an old childhood dream and I did.

I had a wonderful time and NKOTB killed it!

… But I paid the price for it once I got home.

Everything since then has been a night mare.

I hate to admit it but last night around midnight I was at the end of my rope and very depressed.

But a funny thing happened from midnight last night to now.

I say funny but really it was ironic and just what I needed to boost my confidence back up.

since then I have run into two ex boyfriends, an ex fiance’ and today was offered two phone numbers from guys I knew a very long time ago.

Here I was friday night, just finishing off a text that had me on the brink between being self-confident and felling like I was the most unwanted and ugliest woman on the planet when a whole bunch of people show up to tell me otherwise?

Let alone my ex boyfriends?

What are the chances of that?!

In each case, without even saying a word about my journey or about how upset I was, I was told that they “like the new me” after only a couple of minutes of short conversation.

How could they know that I have been busting my butt for 9+ months to change myself?

Fate?

Coincidence?

Or is the change starting to show on the outside as well?

After I took a good long look in the truck mirror and thought about it some more I realized that it is!

The fake is gone and the real me is starting to shine.

As I headed home to type this blog up, this song came on the radio.

This is when it all really started to make sense.

The reason why everything is so hard right now is because my world is changing.

People around me that cannot control me are walking away.

I feel so lonely because I had so many people in my life using me that my list of good friends is now down to a short few.

And those one or two who do have a piece of my heart have no clue what has been happening…

I have been hiding all this from them because they too are having a hard time and I did not want to bother them.

I now realize if I had just spoke up, they would have been at my side in a heart beat to help.

My one ex threatened to “kick my butt” when I told him this.

He also said “Now that your taking care of yourself you need to learn how to let others love you back…”

To him I say this “Lesson learned”.

As I sat back and listened to the words of this song and thought about how even those who had no reason to are supporting me, I felt my strength coming back.

On a side note, I had to laugh when I realized who was singing this song.

Ironic that the same guys who are showing the world that with some slight changes they too can come back and rock it like the best are helping me to do the same.

Because right now I know I am worth it to the right people.

I just had to make room for those who are just as real as me.

Because the fake ones are the ones who made me feel ugly and sub standard…

And to be honest, I could give a flying eff what others think about my body or looks now that I see the real me in the mirror.

I love the real me.

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Flaws and all.

No one likes the girl who stands in the dark corner.

Everyone loves the girl who is not afraid to be real and enjoys every second like it is her last.

Not to mention, what girl would not feel better about their self after having a half-dozen men tell her all that?

That much flattery has to show in some form or another, right?

I know its helped me to see where my heart truly lies and that was worth the awkward conversations to me.

I took a nasty hit the other night but like NKOTB I am ready to come back to life and show the world that I am here and better than ever.

So to those out there who are in a funk as I was, take a listen with me to this and know that the real you is what you should be wearing out tonight.

I know that is what I will be doing.

Cuz nothing goes better with red dorky glasses than a shade of the real you…

Especially in a little black dress rocking out to NKOTB  😉

P.s. I heart Joey for ever!

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Nothing but silence

Today I have spent the majority of my time crying and hurt over the notion people I know and care about are not really who they say they are.
I have been used and lied to after I stuck up for them…
After I trusted them.

I fell for the same old shit once again.

I hate to say that but I promised to keep my thoughts here as real as possible.
I’m devastated and just don’t know what to say or do.

Today when the girl tried to take off to the attic I did not argue.
I almost went up and joined her.
So much uncertainty in my life right now has me wondering who I can trust and who I can’t.
Too much
Too fast
Too short of a time to process…

Maybe she was right about some things.

you trust by opening up your heart. When you do that you take away your protection…

I did that and now I’m paying the price with a mind that races, a heart that hurts and doubt for all that I thought was true…

I can’t even catch my breath when I think of what may be a lie and what’s reality.

I JUST WANT IT ALL TO STOP!

With that said, I am keeping with my plan to move forward but with the noises growing louder and louder….
I think I need a detox from it all.
I cannot face all this as I used to.
Half cocked and without clear thought.
That only pushed her back into the corner.
Learning to deal with this in the best way is key.

To do that I need clarity.
…I need total silence.

So for a couple days, I am ignoring all calls, all text, everything.

My only outlet will be my blog.
Because I need this to help me sort this out.

I am going to spend this time really trying to understand how everyone plays a part in my head and if they really need to play a part in my life.

… I think some people may need to make their exit but I just don’t know.

So today, no music
No fancy quotes
Just silence….

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