Dear readers, I promised you the truth.
I told you that part of my journey was to be honest with myself as well as others.
Today I have to confess that I have not been fully truthful with you.
I ask for your forgiveness as well as your ear as I say what I have to say.
I only pray the person I speak of does not read this…
Although if I claim to know anything about them then I know at some point their will.
Regardless, I need to talk about this because my heart hurts so bad keeping it locked inside.
Plus being honest with him is all I got left.
I am in love and have been for a very long time.
The man I am in love with told me only days ago that he finally realized he too is just as in love with me as I am him.
…It has been almost four days since he said that and three since the last time I talked to him.
Right now, my heart hurts so bad that I cannot focus a single thought on anything but him.
I keep re winding all the conversations between us in my head over and over.
He told me that the reason he pushed me away was because he was confused.
He told me that saying “I love you” was very hard for him to do.
…He told me the next time he saw me he was going to give me a hug and never let go…
Three days later, I look down and see “No new calls/text” on my phone and I wonder if this was all a lie.
I had known this man for a long time when one day I finally could not handle the lonely nights of waiting for him to make time for me.
All I wanted was to be a priority to him.
To be his something special.
I put so much effort and time into make it work but it seemed the more I tried, the further he pushed away.
At risk of making a further fool of myself I stopped and took a long look at what was really going on.
To me, it looked like he just did not care for me the way I did for him.
Left with no other options, I told him I was moving on.
I secretly hoped he would finally snap out of it and tell me to stay.
Instead he told me to go.
For weeks I cried over this man.
I gave him my heart fully and he just threw it on the ground and walked away.
but that was not the worst part.
To this day I am still deeply in love with him.
He is the first thought on my mind when I wake up and the last when I close my eyes.
When he contacted me again I did my best to stay strong and put up a wall.
Not wanting to feel the pain I had started to repress from him walking away.
But after hearing his sweet voice, I caved.
I caved even further when I heard the conviction in his voice when he told me that he was never going to let me go and that he was sorry for walking away.
All I ever wanted from him was his love and embrace.
Nothing more, nothing less.
The idea that he finally was ready to give it to me made me the happiest woman alive.
When he said he was going to make some changes to his life and told me just to be patient I was more than happy to oblige.
I would do anything for this man.
He was more than just someone I loved.
He was my heart
My best friend
The other half of my soul.
But now, days later and a couple unreturned text…
…the doubt is starting to seep in again.
I trust what he said to me but his silence stings like a thousand knives into my heart.
How can you tell someone all that and then ignore them?
Was it all just a line to reel me back in or am I right in thinking his words were true and from his heart?
I am so confused right now I can’t focus on anything other than him.
I try to but it’s so hard not to be scared right now when so much is at stake.
So here I am, sitting and waiting.
Praying and crying that he will realize just what he means to me.
And so, there you have it.
He is the reason for the empty trunk in my story.
I had planned on writing him into it but then he left.
That is a pain I am starting to relive and I don’t want to.
But I have done all I can on my end.
At this point, it is all up to him.
I have offered everything short of my last breath for a moment with him.
I would give that too if I could just feel his arms around me one more time.
I love this man.
I realized that when I was talking to my ex yesterday and told him about the situation.
He told me that he could tell just by my eyes that it was true.
He even stuck up for him telling me to just give it time.
He told me to just wait it out.
“He probably is scared and just need time…”
I realize this and I want to give it to him but at risk of sounding selfish, I wonder if this is just his way of keeping me from walking away…
Typing that though literally sent a shot of pain into my heart like you have never known.
The more you love, the more the silence hurts.
Anyway, that is what is on my mind today.
And this is the only song I can come up with to go along with this post.
The day he told me he loved me this was playing on the radio…
I imagine a greater force than I can understand did that.
And it is for that very reason I sit in front of the empty trunk in my mind and pray that the wait will be worth it in the end…
Yet my hand rest on the lid just in case.
Praying that this will all be over soon and he will see that he is my reason as much as I want to be his.
Readers, if you are lucky enough to be loved by someone as I love this man do me a favor and go tell them today.
Let them know that their love for you is not a second thought and that you appreciate everything they are to you.
Don’t make them sit in wait alone for a fleeting moment as I am in the attic.
Silence can be the most painful answer you can give someone.
Like the trunk, it can make you feel empty and unloved.
Let them know that they are your reason.
By doing that, it makes my pain a bit easer to bear knowing my suffering is not totally in vain.
And to that man who I so willingly suffer for, should he ever read this.
I am here and I am willing to wait but please don’t make me sit too long.
I don’t care about what happened before, all I want is just you.
I want the fun-loving man who knows how to shut me up.
I want the best friend who knows how to make me smile when I need it.
I want us. What ever way that needs to be.
What I don’t want is to sit here filling my head with ideas so you need to talk to me.
I love you.
Please don’t make it so hard for me to.