Tag Archives: Happiness

At some point, it all makes sense.

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Tonight dear readers I have only but one small bit of advice to share.

I am sure that most of you already know and understand what I am about to say but after recent events in my life I feel it warrants repeating.

No matter how hard you plan and/or dream your life to be, it will always end up going a way you least expect it too.

…. and this is not always a bad thing.

Many times over the past couple years I have sat and wondered why so many bad things have happened in my life and why I have been forced to face them.

A small example is the pain and rejection in my dating life that left me wondering what the point of it all was.

So many sad nights alone wondering if I would ever be worth the effort to just one person.

Finally, after so many tears and lies I was ready to give up.

…. but then out of no place, he came into my life.

And now it’s all clear.

I had to go threw all those struggles and trials to make what I have now work.

I had to suffer and be stripped of my foolish pride to see that being the real me was all it took to find love.

….I had to go on this journey to love myself before someone else could love me unconditionally.

And I am forever grateful that I stuck it out to get to here.

I still have much more of my journey left to travel but now with someone who supports me at my side I start back off on my path with my head held high,

Just when I was about to give up, fate brought me strength and purpose to get threw.

And I will never be able to thank him enough.

Tonight, I post this with hope that anyone who is struggling or feels like nothing makes sense reads my words and knows this…

At some point, it will all make sense and be worth every second of struggle and pain.

I promise you this!

And I am a woman of my word dear readers.

I do not make promises I cannot keep.

Even if you feel like you have nothing left to carry on with KNOW that at some point it will all be worth it if you just keep hanging on.

And all the while know that I will have your back since you have been kind enough to have mine.

We got this guys!

Just hold on for a bit longer and know that some one out there understands your struggles and pain.

While you do that I plan on saying a silent prayer of thanks for all that I have been blessed with.

But most of all, I will be saying one in hopes that all of you will know unconditional love as I have finally found.

xo

 

http://youtu.be/wyzBOH24oZA

 

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One perfectly tragic Halloween costumes for a big mouth Pisces.

Today, not once but twice I opened my mouth and caused some friction between some people I care a lot about.

To me, it’s a big deal.

To them, it may also be a big deal.

But in my head I am making it up to be like they will hate me forever for it.

Even when I know within a couple of days it will just be a thing of the past.

Why do I do this to myself you ask?

For three reasons.

One, because I am a Pisces and we love all things tragic.

Two, I am a woman and we love all things tragic.

…and three because by opening my mouth I may have ruined what was one of my happier days in a very long time.

(Sigh)

So what do I do when I am bummed out and sad?

I do what every woman who happens to be born in the sign of the fish does…

I grab all the bad junk food I can, ignore my phone (minus looking at it every ten minutes in the hopes that those two people will call/text/message me and let me off the hook.) and watch my favorite sad love movie.

And for me that movie is Moulin Rouge.

It’s a tragically perfect mix of beauty, freedom, truth and love.

Not to mention I may or may not have a small thing for Ewan McGregor.

(I am totally infatuated with voices and his is sexy as hell to me.)

Alas, someone else already owns my heart so it will never be but a girl can dream, right?

Sorry Ewan, Maybe in another life.

But I still think I would make a good Satine for Halloween this year.

Especially in her infamous red dress.

 

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If only I could sucker someone to play Christian for me it would be a complete set.

But at this rate I think I will end up just being a lonely Courtesan.

(Sighs again)

Anyway, back on topic and out of my head.

If you have not watched the movie please do.

And in the meantime here is a clip of my all time favorite song from the movie preformed by Glee.

I want to note that although I love the original with Nicole and Ewan I think it fit perfectly for the characters of Blaine and Kurt on the show Glee and they killed it with their amazing voices.

I also support all gay rights.

There for, If you don’t share my views that love knows no bounds then feel free NOT to watch.

Sorry guys but you don’t have to agree with something to see the beauty in it.

And I think any one who loves a human being as much as those two love one another is just that…

Beautiful.

(Yet another sigh. Slightly more frustrated sounding than the one before.)

…I really need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself and my damn mouth shut.

On that note, I am going to go google dress patterns and torture myself by going back to checking my cell ever five minutes again.

Wish me luck guys because it is going to be a long night…

xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCGX4FBJfNc

 

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Thats when I knew I loved you…

 

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I think in life we take words for granted.

I mean, how many times have we heard the words “I’m sorry” from someone but knew that their only empathy was that they made you feel wronged.

Not that they truly felt remorseful for their actions.

If I had to pick the most over used phrase it would be, hands down “I love you”.

Said so frequently, it looses its meaning and simply becomes an obligatory phrase.

Growing up I can count on one hand how many times this was said to me.

With fingers to spare.

But not once did I feel unloved.

My Father said it to me twice my whole life yet I have yet to know anyone who loved me more than him.

From him taking a moment to pick on me to tickling the back of my neck as he passed I just knew his love was unconditional.

He took time with me, made sure I was safe when I was scared and always made sure I knew he was just a call away.

Only one other person has ever come close to making me feel so safe.

The one thing that gets to me is when people think the words are enough.

They are never enough and that’s my point.

To show someone you truly love them you have to work at it.

 

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You have to give of yourself, forgive often and know that sometimes a loving gesture such as holding someones hand is all it takes.

And for those of you wondering how you will know if your really in love with someone?

When you find yourself willing to give up your pride and what ever it takes to make the other person happy, even if it cost you your own happiness….

Then you will know.

When you can work through the hard times and still laugh because of them…

Then you will know.

When you feel like nothing feels right when they are not around…

Then you will know.

When all it takes is the sound of their voice to make you happy in return…

Then you will know.

Dear readers, if you are so blessed to be in love or love someone go to them today and show it.

Put in the effort and take time out of your life to just let them know they are your universe.

And if the two of you have fallen on troubled times, just let all of it go and make sure they know that no matter what is said that your love for them is real.

We live on borrowed time my friends and not a second of that should be wasted on pride or foolish misunderstandings.

In the end, it’s all just words.

Show them your love is boundless…

I know that’s what I plan to do today.

It’s what I look forward to doing every day.

Is just letting those I love know they mean everything to me and I love them from the bottom of my heart.

Even when I don’t say a word.

Xo

 

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Open letter to any man who seeks my heart

To the man who seeks my heart,

It is in this moment you have decided that you want to take the next step and open your heart up to me.

Know that by doing this I will be doing the same.

When I love you I give every bit of my being to that person.

Body.

Mind.

Soul.

For this reason, I ask that you do not take lightly to it because once I know what you feel about me I will devote every bit of my being to you.

I will work very hard at making you happy, sometime for going any of my own basic needs to do so.

Because of this sacrifice I will make I ask you to read carefully to the small list of things below before you do it.

If you have any doubts after, PLEASE reconsider…

I am my own worst enemy…

I spend great amounts of time angry at my self for even the most common of mistakes.

When I do something it may come out great but to me I can pin point thousands of reasons why I must improve it.

I will then spend too much time beating myself up over it inside my head and become sad.

When I do this you have two options.

One is to argue with me that I am wrong and that it is just fine. Most likely resulting in me assuming you are just being bias or kind.

or

Two is to smile and just remind me that I should not be so hard on myself because I look better without the scowl on my fore head.

…I prefer the latter.

 

A small gift with meaning or from your heart is invaluable to me…

Everything I own has a very deep seeded sentimental value to me.

Every book.

Every photo.

Every little trinket was gifted to me by someone I hold dear to me.

If you choose to give me anything, make sure its something meaningful.

Even a dried flower that you have held on to since our first date would mean more to me than any expensive bouquet of flowers…

But if you do buy flowers know white roses are my favorite.

 

I really don’t care what others think about my looks but…

My size, hair, clothes and looks only bother me because sometimes what I see in the mirror is not what you and others see.

To you I am just me.

Sometimes the mirror tells me I am less than worthy.

So do my a favor and don’t over use the words “Beautiful” or “pretty” too often.

Much like the word “Love” they should only be used in the moments that you really feel those things.

That is what makes them special and that is how I will know you mean what you say.

 

I was brought up in a world where “Personal space” was sacred…

I avoid human contact because I have been taught that it is special to only that one person I give my heart.

It does not happen often but if we are in public and I gently reach over and squeeze your hand and give you a smile…

Know that I am pushing a boundary within myself and know its the ultimate sign of affection from me.

Appreciate it and return the gesture to let me know you feel the same.

 

I am stubborn. Sometimes to a fault and I don’t think I can change that…

So much so that I will try to do things that are so far out of my limits only because I have been told I can’t or because I am trying hard to make someone I love happy.

In those moments you have two choices…

One to sit back and let me screw up or…

Reach over, place your hand on my arm and remind me that I am important to you.

Tell me that by hurting myself I am hurting you.

If you do, I will stop.

 

Sometimes I just simply need to be reminded that I too have a value…

I tend to always assume that I am the one who should always be grateful for the things and people in my life.

Take the time to remind me that I am worth as much to you.

Revert back to the dried flower if you are not sure how to do that.

 

Sometimes I just need to get away…

I have this fear of being trapped in one place.

Why? I don’t really know.

So sometimes I will just grab my keys and say “Wanna go for a ride?”

You don’t have to go but know that I HAVE TO when that happens.

Usually I just drive out to a point and then drive back.

It’s just one of my quarks.

Please be understanding of this.

 

Sometimes I just need to be alone…

The mood usually strikes me randomly.

I can spend hours of being quiet and just sitting outside listening to the soft wind and thinking.

It does not always mean I am upset with you.

Sometimes, I just need stillness to reflect.

If this happens you are more than welcome to sit beside me.

As a matter of fact, please do because chances are that at some point I will need someone to talk to about what was on my mind.

 

On the other side of my silence…

If I am being very quiet and will not make eye contact with you something is wrong.

Even if I say it is not.

I know you are not a mind reader and I do not expect you to be.

But know that if I am without words it’s because my heart and head are at battle.

Tread lightly and just give me a hug.

 

On the other side of that…

Sometimes just a long deep hug is all I need from you.

No words.

Just my head on your chest and the sound of your breath is all I need to know everything is ok.

 

I will remain faithful to you…

No matter what.

It takes a lot of work and time for me to knock down walls to reach that levels of comfort that I hope to have with you.

Doing that is a gift to the one I love.

I ask you give me the same gift back.

If you are not happy then tell me.

I would rather you be honest then to have to put all those walls back up, plus one…

 

The words “I love you” to me are powerful…

If you find yourself saying them to me in your mind be ABSOLUTLY SURE of it before they leave your lips!

I will never forget that moment and do not want it to become a source of question and pain later on.

 

Make half the effort all the time…

I told you in the beginning of this post that I will work hard once you give me your heart.

And I will never stop.

Not for a second.

Make sure you work just as hard.

If I have to walk 20 miles to see you, please walk 10 of it.

Otherwise, at some point as I am walking I will wonder why I am the one who always has to go to you.

Relationships take two people walking, not just one.

Otherwise you will find me walking away at some point.

 

I want the fairly tale but sometimes I like to do the saving too…

Yes I like when someone fights for me but PLEASE! When you are having a hard time, let me fight for you too.

There is no greater sign of affection than someone who saves the one they love.

Plus protecting the one you love is just as cool in heels as it is in work boots.

 

Once you make this step I am yours forever…

know that once I have given you my heart that I have given you all of me.

That means the good and the bad.

If I have done this it means I trust you and I do not trust many.

Be honored that I have given you that chance and please respect it.

Many man before you have taken my heart and abused it.

I know  you are not every man but the moment you mimic any of their behaviors I will be waiting in the back of my mind for you to prove otherwise.

When you don’t, that pain will never go away.

So please take the time to try.

For me.

I promise you it will be worth it.

I will be worth it.

Because everything I ask of you I will automatically do in return and then some.

 

xo

 

 

 

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Focus…

 

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Today I found myself too close to rock bottom again.

I allowed the world to talk me into feeling some sort of way about myself again.

This has been the story of my life for weeks now.

And I’ve had enough!

As I sat and looked over the mess I had made myself it occurred to me that I was focusing in on only a very small part of my issue.

I needed to get a grip on the bigger picture.

The bigger picture being me first.

Weak and ready to give up I decided it was time to go into survival mode.

I need to get myself back in order before I can deal with what my heart is feeling.

At one point, not so long ago I found focus by doing that.

I need to get back to that place before I end up ripping up more boxes and causing a bigger mess.

But I am tired and did not know where I would find the strength to do this.

I spent a lot of time trying to will myself to just get up off that ground.

How could I focus on me when I could not even find the drive to get off the ground?

I wanted to start crying again but then for the first time in a very long time I heard the girl speak to me.

Her words were simple but firm.

 

Stop crying and feeling sorry for yourself, suck it up and FOCUS!

 

I heard her and knew she was right but I had no clue where to begin.

Then I looked in front of me again and saw the mess.

The anger caused this.

It’s amazing how strong one can be when they feel such a deep pain.

… that’s when it hit me.

I needed to use the pain to push me through.

I needed to take all that anger, pain and hurt and put it to positive use.

I closed my eyes and tried hard to focus on what I needed to do next.

I let the visions that haunted me in my mind drive me to do what I needed to do.

When I opened my eyes, I knew what was next.

I needed to just focus on me.

I needed to get me back to the place where I was in control of my life.

After a couple of moments of letting the pain fill me I felt strangely renewed and awakened.

I let it seep in enough to push me out of my funk and then I finally got off the ground.

My first step was to make a list.

A short list intentionally to keep focus.

With the list completed I head off to bed.

Tomorrow is a long day for me but in the end I know if I can cross off all five things I will be back on track with my life.

My hope is, once that happens the rest will just fall into place.

Here is a little motivation for anyone who is trying to focus.

Or maybe you need it just to get out of bed tomorrow.

Either way, don’t give up.

Like the girl said, sometimes you just need to suck it up and focus.

Give it all you got if it is something you want and never stop till you get it.

And I plan on doing just that…

Till I collapse.

 

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Whispers become tears falling on an empty box

I find myself in a terrible mood today.

Frustrated and bitter at a situation I feel ive been reeled into, I find myself in a state of anger.

The day did not start off that way.

At first I woke up confused and sad that things have not gone my way.

Sick of always feeling like I am at fault or need to work that much harder has worn me down.

I’m tired of that game in my mind and need to get to the bottom of what is in my head.

I decided some serious down time with my thoughts was needed.

That was my first mistake.

As I set down my phone that lately has become a major organ I started to sort my thoughts out logically.

Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart I try not to do this as I find some rules just dont apply when you feel something so deeply.

But I did and the end result was disastrous.

When you take the basic known facts about a situation and add some basic reasoning you can easily come to a fine conclusion.

With that formula in mind, my conclusion was as follows.

Stop being ignorant.

It was all just a careless whisper.

This thought now stuck in my head would normally put me to tears but for whatever reason, today it has made me angry.

It made me so angry that I went into my house and grabbed a box full of things I had been saving and tore it apart.

The very same box that gave me the idea for the story about the attic.

I ripped up notes, pictures, a couple random items I had saved to give this person.

I destroyed it all.

My logic being that not a single thing in it was from them anyway.

It was just a pathetic attempt my heart made to justify itself.

After I was done I just looked down at the ground at the broken pieces and thought to myself “yet another mess to be cleaned…”

If thats not poetic justice then I dont know what is…

Today I am angry but one good thing came of this.

I realized that hanging on to false hope is pointless.

It takes more than words to fix something when you break it.

You have to put in effort with your actions, not just with your voice.

When someone gives you their heart you have a responsibility to it.

For that reason you should never EVER say something you dont mean to someone who loves you…

Otherwise it just becomes a careless whisper.

As I sit here on the ground and look at the mess before me the reality of it all is starting to sink in.

I’m heartbroken that I find myself in this place again.

yet the only solution I can come up with is to pull away.

… I dont even know if thats the right choice anymore.

My head says yes but my heart is begging me to stay….

I just dont know what to do other than sit here in silence alone and think it out.

While I go onto a deep state of consideration I leave you with this song and hope that none of you have ever felt the way I do now.

I feel lied to

Cheated

Hopeless

Used and worst of all

Unloved.

As I write those words the tears begin to fall.

…..Words are a powerful thing dear readers.

Be mindful to the fact that with them you can break hearts and scar souls.

Even if you use a whisper….

 

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The power behind rage kept within…

 

Tonight my dear readers my blog is a short one.

Partly because yesterdays nightmare has not allowed me to sleep in 24 hours.

but mainly for the reason that what I have to say cannot be said.

Again, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.

So instead I have chosen to leave you with a good song that has helped me get through the problem I have had today.

Maybe it will help you too.

xo

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