Tag Archives: silence

One perfectly tragic Halloween costumes for a big mouth Pisces.

Today, not once but twice I opened my mouth and caused some friction between some people I care a lot about.

To me, it’s a big deal.

To them, it may also be a big deal.

But in my head I am making it up to be like they will hate me forever for it.

Even when I know within a couple of days it will just be a thing of the past.

Why do I do this to myself you ask?

For three reasons.

One, because I am a Pisces and we love all things tragic.

Two, I am a woman and we love all things tragic.

…and three because by opening my mouth I may have ruined what was one of my happier days in a very long time.

(Sigh)

So what do I do when I am bummed out and sad?

I do what every woman who happens to be born in the sign of the fish does…

I grab all the bad junk food I can, ignore my phone (minus looking at it every ten minutes in the hopes that those two people will call/text/message me and let me off the hook.) and watch my favorite sad love movie.

And for me that movie is Moulin Rouge.

It’s a tragically perfect mix of beauty, freedom, truth and love.

Not to mention I may or may not have a small thing for Ewan McGregor.

(I am totally infatuated with voices and his is sexy as hell to me.)

Alas, someone else already owns my heart so it will never be but a girl can dream, right?

Sorry Ewan, Maybe in another life.

But I still think I would make a good Satine for Halloween this year.

Especially in her infamous red dress.

 

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If only I could sucker someone to play Christian for me it would be a complete set.

But at this rate I think I will end up just being a lonely Courtesan.

(Sighs again)

Anyway, back on topic and out of my head.

If you have not watched the movie please do.

And in the meantime here is a clip of my all time favorite song from the movie preformed by Glee.

I want to note that although I love the original with Nicole and Ewan I think it fit perfectly for the characters of Blaine and Kurt on the show Glee and they killed it with their amazing voices.

I also support all gay rights.

There for, If you don’t share my views that love knows no bounds then feel free NOT to watch.

Sorry guys but you don’t have to agree with something to see the beauty in it.

And I think any one who loves a human being as much as those two love one another is just that…

Beautiful.

(Yet another sigh. Slightly more frustrated sounding than the one before.)

…I really need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself and my damn mouth shut.

On that note, I am going to go google dress patterns and torture myself by going back to checking my cell ever five minutes again.

Wish me luck guys because it is going to be a long night…

xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCGX4FBJfNc

 

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Slowly going mad while the world around me does the same…

 

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Last night I had another bad dream so today I have decided to take a walk in a local park to ease my mind.

I take a seat on an empty park bench and rest my body.

The breeze is welcoming to me today as I sit back quietly and try to pay mind to the world surrounding me.

As I feel it gently brush across my face I close my eyes and take a deep breath of it in.

I allow it to linger in my lungs a moment before its bittersweet release.

Exhaling, I open my eyes again and relax my body.

I have so much torment in my heart right now that moments like this one are a welcome break from my mind.

As I sit and try to let go of my troubles and worries I cant help but fear the struggles within reflect on my face.

Wanting to blend in to my surroundings I work hard at stepping out of my thoughts.

I slowly close up figurative box after figurative box deep within.

After closing the last lid I shut my eyes and look to my senses for guidance.

It is not long before I melt into the world surrounding me and focus in on it.

I can hear the familiar sounds of life all around me.

Crickets and birds in deep conversations about whatever hot topic that sparks their interest are to my right and above.

While to my left I hear the soft giggles of children while their Mom’s try for a moment to have some deep adult conversation.

I watch the two woman for a moment and listen in as one mother conveys to another a tale of a recent trip to the doctor and how she fears her child will need further testing for a serious sudden illness.

With a look of empathy, the other mother purses her lips and scrunches her brow in worry.

Finding herself without words, she simply nods her head and chooses to keep her own thoughts to herself.

All she can seem to whisper is “It will all be ok”.

As she quickly looks away and over to her own child, I can tell she struggles within herself for giving out possible false hope as well as the very real fear that it could have been one of hers.

Unbeknownst to their children that one of their lives is in question, they run around and play without the concern for time or how much of it they have to enjoy the freedom of this summer day.

I am saddened by the idea that any child could be living on borrowed time.

Much like the humbled friend, I say a small prayer that it really will be ok for both Mother and Child.

I fall into a trance doing this before I notice movement and see a woman and a elderly man walking toward me.

The man is struggling to take each step while the woman gently guides him via one arm under his and the other softly placed on the same arm.

As they pass I hear the man give protest to her help saying he should be the one leading her.

She simply smiles and says “At some point we all need an arm to guide us. Even if we have always been the guide.”

When they pass they both pause their train of thought long enough to smile and give me a friendly nod.

I return their friendly gesture with a nod and smile as I find the scenario before me familiar.

It reminds me of how not so long ago I too helped my poor Father to walk around while he protested to his need to care for me first.

…I would give anything to be walking beside him right now if I could.

As if the woman has read my thoughts she glances back to give me another smile.

But this one is different.

Its one of knowing and understanding.

I almost can’t make eye contact when I think of how much pain her heart will go through one day when he is gone…

And how one day she will realize that even when she was leading him, he was still leading her too.

I sit for a long time with the images of both my children and my Father in my mind.

It’s funny how total strangers can remind me that my problems are little compared to what others face.

The two interactions I just had at the park bring a random thought to my mind.

As I sit and suffer, so does the rest of the world in their own way.

Each and every person faces a trial or tribulation at some point within the day and that makes me just a small part of this very big world.

It’s a very equalizing and humbling thought.

I choose to ponder it a bit longer as I sit in silence with the wind still brushing my face.

As I do this and try to find purpose in my path for the day I leave you with this song.

I feel it is very suiting to my mood and the events of my day.

Enjoy dear readers because there are few moments in this world that a sane person can get away with admitting to being mad.

Even in a mad world like the one we all live in today.

 

 

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Whispers become tears falling on an empty box

I find myself in a terrible mood today.

Frustrated and bitter at a situation I feel ive been reeled into, I find myself in a state of anger.

The day did not start off that way.

At first I woke up confused and sad that things have not gone my way.

Sick of always feeling like I am at fault or need to work that much harder has worn me down.

I’m tired of that game in my mind and need to get to the bottom of what is in my head.

I decided some serious down time with my thoughts was needed.

That was my first mistake.

As I set down my phone that lately has become a major organ I started to sort my thoughts out logically.

Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart I try not to do this as I find some rules just dont apply when you feel something so deeply.

But I did and the end result was disastrous.

When you take the basic known facts about a situation and add some basic reasoning you can easily come to a fine conclusion.

With that formula in mind, my conclusion was as follows.

Stop being ignorant.

It was all just a careless whisper.

This thought now stuck in my head would normally put me to tears but for whatever reason, today it has made me angry.

It made me so angry that I went into my house and grabbed a box full of things I had been saving and tore it apart.

The very same box that gave me the idea for the story about the attic.

I ripped up notes, pictures, a couple random items I had saved to give this person.

I destroyed it all.

My logic being that not a single thing in it was from them anyway.

It was just a pathetic attempt my heart made to justify itself.

After I was done I just looked down at the ground at the broken pieces and thought to myself “yet another mess to be cleaned…”

If thats not poetic justice then I dont know what is…

Today I am angry but one good thing came of this.

I realized that hanging on to false hope is pointless.

It takes more than words to fix something when you break it.

You have to put in effort with your actions, not just with your voice.

When someone gives you their heart you have a responsibility to it.

For that reason you should never EVER say something you dont mean to someone who loves you…

Otherwise it just becomes a careless whisper.

As I sit here on the ground and look at the mess before me the reality of it all is starting to sink in.

I’m heartbroken that I find myself in this place again.

yet the only solution I can come up with is to pull away.

… I dont even know if thats the right choice anymore.

My head says yes but my heart is begging me to stay….

I just dont know what to do other than sit here in silence alone and think it out.

While I go onto a deep state of consideration I leave you with this song and hope that none of you have ever felt the way I do now.

I feel lied to

Cheated

Hopeless

Used and worst of all

Unloved.

As I write those words the tears begin to fall.

…..Words are a powerful thing dear readers.

Be mindful to the fact that with them you can break hearts and scar souls.

Even if you use a whisper….

 

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The power behind rage kept within…

 

Tonight my dear readers my blog is a short one.

Partly because yesterdays nightmare has not allowed me to sleep in 24 hours.

but mainly for the reason that what I have to say cannot be said.

Again, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts.

So instead I have chosen to leave you with a good song that has helped me get through the problem I have had today.

Maybe it will help you too.

xo

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The nightmare about the room of brick walls…

 

755030979_6c40cd17a1As I write to you I sit and watch the sun set over the hills and slowly become a prisoner of my own thoughts.

The song below has come on the radio.

It has left me in tears and wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

I have never felt the need to be held like I do right now.

I am over come with heartache for one person and never having felt this way before I am sad and scared.

Yet I would give anything for them to be here with me now to take that all away.

Only moments before I dozed off in a sad attempt to ease my troubled mind from the issues of my day.

I really wish I hadn’t.

But I did and I had another bad dream.

 

I am alone in a room of brick and cannot escape.

There are no doors. 

No windows.

A little if any light.

Surveying the situation I face the fact that I am trapped and alone.

As I start to let the reality of the situation sink in I hear a voice on the other side of the brick.

They are frantically calling my name and by the tone in their voice I can tell they are equally affraid.

Not being able to see me they call out in desperation till I finally follow the voice to one wall in particular.

I yell back their name several times till I can tell they have followed my voice to just the other side of the brick.

When they hear my voice is so close,  I can hear the relief in theirs.

For a brief second I place my hand flat against the brick and pretend they are doing the same.

Little do they know how dark and scary it is for me in this room.

I feel unsafe and being to beg them to get me out.

Hearing the worry in their voice as they answer my cries makes my heart hurt.

I feel terrible for putting them through this but I don’t trust anyone else.

They are my only hope.

With them I feel safe and whole.

They are my everything.

All I want is for them to hold me and save me from this isolation.

I can hear them pound hard on the brick with what I assume is a large object but only tiny pieces come crumbling down.

It’s going to take much more force for them to get through. 

The pounding stops and I know they realize this too.

All they can do is tell me to hold on while they figure out how to get me out.

As their voice starts to soften from distance I hear scary noises from behind.

I start to pound on the wall hard with my clenched fist.

I call out to them.

Pleading through the tears to not leave.

They promise to be right back.

I continue to call out but after a short time they stop responding…

Yet I still pound on the wall till I lose my strength and I start to sink to the floor.

Still calling their name till the tears take away my ability to speak.

Finally my body hits the floor and I am left to trust they will keep their word.

All I want is to feel them embrace me.

To tell me everything will be ok.

My dream ends with me laying against the cold brick waiting to be saved.

I woke from this horrible flash of a night mare and have not stopped crying since.

It was so realistic and I would almost bet this dream was just as scary as the one about the girl.

Maybe even scarier.

Made so by the fact that just before I closed my eyes I felt like I had let the very same person down in real life.

How can I expect them to keep their word when I let them down myself?

My mind drifts back and forth between this thought and the dream.

That haunting sadness in both our voices was heart breaking to remember.

I pray I never have to hear that level of desperation from them in real life.

I shake my head in an attempt to clear my mind of this pain.

As I do I head outside to the bright warmth of the sun to help me calm down.

The sky looks so beautiful tonight as the sun slowly exits my view.

I try to turn my thoughts to my surroundings to get my mind off the visions and voices from my dream.

As I sit and think about how much I really need a hug I leave you with this song.

I find it amazing that this song, the dream and my real life struggles all seem to be intertwined tonight.

The universe has a funny way of doing that.

And just so you know I got the message loud and clear.

I am pretty sure someone is trying to telling me to trust in my heart.

Because that voice on the other side of the wall is the very person who owns it.

And I know that this can all be fixed if I just trust in their word.

 

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The truth about the empty trunk…

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Dear readers, I promised you the truth.

I told you that part of my journey was to be honest with myself as well as others.

Today I have to confess that I have not been fully truthful with you.

I ask for your forgiveness as well as your ear as I say what I have to say.

I only pray the person I speak of does not read this…

Although if I claim to know anything about them then I know at some point their will.

Regardless, I need to talk about this because my heart hurts so bad keeping it locked inside.

Plus being honest with him is all I got left.

I am in love and have been for a very long time.

The man I am in love with told me only days ago that he finally realized he too is just as in love with me as I am him.

…It has been almost four days since he said that and three since the last time I talked to him.

Right now, my heart hurts so bad that I cannot focus a single thought on anything but him.

I keep re winding all the conversations between us in my head over and over.

He told me that the reason he pushed me away was because he was confused.

He told me that saying “I love you” was very hard for him to do.

…He told me the next time he saw me he was going to give me a hug and never let go…

Three days later, I look down and see “No new calls/text” on my phone and I wonder if this was all a lie.

I had known this man for a long time when one day I finally could not handle the lonely nights of waiting for him to make time for me.

All I wanted was to be a priority to him.

To be his something special.

I put so much effort and time into make it work but it seemed the more I tried, the further he pushed away.

At risk of making a further fool of myself I stopped and took a long look at what was really going on.

To me, it looked like he just did not care for me the way I did for him.

Left with no other options, I told him I was moving on.

I secretly hoped he would finally snap out of it and tell me to stay.

Instead he told me to go.

For weeks I cried over this man.

I gave him my heart fully and he just threw it on the ground and walked away.

but that was not the worst part.

To this day I am still deeply in love with him.

He is the first thought on my mind when I wake up and the last when I close my eyes.

When he contacted me again I did my best to stay strong and put up a wall.

Not wanting to feel the pain I had started to repress from him walking away.

But after hearing his sweet voice, I caved.

I caved even further when I heard the conviction in his voice when he told me that he was never going to let me go and that he was sorry for walking away.

All I ever wanted from him was his love and embrace.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The idea that he finally was ready to give it to me made me the happiest woman alive.

When he said he was going to make some changes to his life and told me just to be patient I was more than happy to oblige.

I would do anything for this man.

He was more than just someone I loved.

He was my heart

My best friend

The other half of my soul.

But now, days later and a couple unreturned text…

…the doubt is starting to seep in again.

I trust what he said to me but his silence stings like a thousand knives into my heart.

How can you tell someone all that and then ignore them?

Was it all just a line to reel me back in or am I right in thinking his words were true and from his heart?

I am so confused right now I can’t focus on anything other than him.

I try to but it’s so hard not to be scared right now when so much is at stake.

So here I am, sitting and waiting.

Praying and crying that he will realize just what he means to me.

And so, there you have it.

He is the reason for the empty trunk in my story.

I had planned on writing him into it but then he left.

That is a pain I am starting to relive and I don’t want to.

But I have done all I can on my end.

At this point, it is all up to him.

I have offered everything short of my last breath for a moment with him.

I would give that too if I could just feel his arms around me one more time.

I love this man.

I realized that when I was talking to my ex yesterday and told him about the situation.

He told me that he could tell just by my eyes that it was true.

He even stuck up for him telling me to just give it time.

He told me to just wait it out.

“He probably is scared and just need time…”

I realize this and I want to give it to him but at risk of sounding selfish, I wonder if this is just his way of keeping me from walking away…

Typing that though literally sent a shot of pain into my heart like you have never known.

The more you love, the more the silence hurts.

Anyway, that is what is on my mind today.

And this is the only song I can come up with to go along with this post.

The day he told me he loved me this was playing on the radio…

I imagine a greater force than I can understand did that.

And it is for that very reason I sit in front of the empty trunk in my mind and pray that the wait will be worth it in the end…

Yet my hand rest on the lid just in case.

Praying that this will all be over soon and he will see that he is my reason as much as I want to be his.

Readers, if you are lucky enough to be loved by someone as I love this man do me a favor and go tell them today.

Let them know that their love for you is not a second thought and that you appreciate everything they are to you.

Don’t make them sit in wait alone for a fleeting moment as I am in the attic.

Silence can be the most painful answer you can give someone.

Like the trunk, it can make you feel empty and unloved.

Let them know that they are your reason.

By doing that, it makes my pain a bit easer to bear knowing my suffering is not totally in vain.

And to that man who I so willingly suffer for, should he ever read this.

I am here and I am willing to wait but please don’t make me sit too long.

I don’t care about what happened before, all I want is just you.

I want the fun-loving man who knows how to shut me up.

I want the best friend who knows how to make me smile when I need it.

I want us. What ever way that needs to be.

What I don’t want is to sit here filling my head with ideas so you need to talk to me.

I love you.

Please don’t make it so hard for me to.

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The bottom appears at the end of a long tunnel

 

tunne

It is days like today that I look up to the sky and ask “Why?”.

After last nights drama, dealing with police, family feuding, relationship issues, medical issues, matters of the heart…

I am beyond upset and very sad.

I feel so alone sitting here writing this out to you that my heart literally aches.

…I am sorry to say the girl has run to the only safe place left.

The attic.

What other choice we have?

I sit here so very alone and right now not even my writing is helping me.

What I would not do for a hug right now and someone to tell me it will be ok.

Just one friendly voice.

The fact that I sit here alone only makes everything that much harder to bear.

With no one to turn to I turn to my music.

… So tonight, with nothing left in me this is the best I can do.

Wish I could do a better blog for you but my heart has to be in it.

…Right now, my heart is just too broken and lost to the shadows to do any better.

😥

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